guest article

Guest article from Tom Martin: Fear and Loathing in L4

I’m delighted that Tom Martin has once more put pen to paper – an excellent read regarding Richarlison and DCL, thanks Tom!


Love like you’ve never been hurt,” or so the title of a self-help book I’ve never read says. A pretty impossible task for Evertonians when I say the following names: Rooney, Lukaku, Arteta, Barkley, Lineker, Stones, Lescott. Others I’m unaware of. We’ve certainly loved and lost over the years, and this brings me to 2020.

There’s two lads up front for the Walton Wanderers at the moment that are the best pairing we’ve seen since Gray and Sharp won us the lot, and in today’s market, they’re a combined worth of way north of a hundred million. Now, in a utopian world, I’d love to be writing that they’re both toffees through and through and will be here forever, but football is a business; kissing the badge is as truthful as John Moss on VAR, and they may not be around until they retire. My pessimistic musings aren’t intended to provoke sadness, or fear (or indeed loathing, I love when films say the title in the dialogue), but instead hope, and a different way of looking at things.

Football is a moment-based activity, as spectators. Goals, decisions, skills, passes, comedy,
football has it all. So what I’m saying here, with these two up top, let’s enjoy the moment.
Because as we’ve discovered the hard way over the years, it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

He’s Brazilian. He only cost fifty million, and we’ll only sell for two hundred million.
Richarlison. In a world of hyperbole I can proudly and confidently say that the pigeon
dancer is the best Everton forward I’ve seen in my lifetime. He has the lot. He can score the perfect hat-trick, run past premier league shitheads for fun, ping a ball in and has one of the most impressive work-rates I’ve ever seen. He spends a fair amount of his working day on the floor, but that’s what happens when opposition defenders are scared and can only resort to kicking. I’m all for it.

When I’m older I’ll be able to tell my grandkids I saw Richarlison play and do his pigeon in front of the Gwladys. If rumours are to be believed, there’s big clubs sniffing around him and even though my heart wills it so, he won’t be around forever. Instead of giving him pelters for hitting the deck, or having the odd game where he doesn’t bag, sing his song, sing it loud and proud, because he’s ours, and he’ll never know love like it again.


And onto his mate, everyone’s mate; but Tom Davies’ best mate. Dominic Calvert-Lewin. Or Calvin Robert Dominic as the fella who sits in front of me calls him. Romelu Calvin Lewis. Daniel Day Lewin. What a player. I’ve never seen such a transformation in a player over the course of a single season, and he’s perhaps the most exciting young centre forward in the league right now. I’m more hopeful of him staying, mainly because the thought of Holgate and Davies saying goodbye to him breaks this brittle heart, but also due to the contract extension he’s due to sign this week. Extensions these days aren’t a declaration of loyalty as much as a sensible insurance policy for clubs (see: Ross Barkley rinsing his boyhood club), but you get the impression Calvert-Lewin is a happy man playing for Carlo “send-me-off- again-and-you’ll-get-whacked-mate” Ancelotti, and Duncan “had a pigeon,” Ferguson, and one can only hope this unbelievable run continues. I’m not arsed about him playing for England but I do feel a good tournament might attract a lot of attention, so don’t dare start him Gareth.

What’s the point of me producing this sub-par content? What is my objective? Simple. Last week, during the United robbery, I noticed a fan absolutely losing his head at the team when we were 1-0 up for not getting on the ball enough. The fella stood up, used every insult I’ve ever heard and some I’ve not even heard before, started slapping himself on the head and was almost foaming at the mouth. WE WERE WINNING. Now I’m in no position to tell you how to support your team, you pay the money, knock yourself out. But a word of advice: enjoy these two. Enjoy where we’re going. Enjoy the footy. (Not the refs though, don’t enjoy the refs). We’re going to get there one day. Just enjoy the ride. Because if you can’t, what’s the point?

DCL song please!

Sing that Richarlison song at the tops of your voice at Chelsea on Sunday, and can this
article officially be marked as the commission for someone to write a decent Calvert-Lewin song? The man tweets “UTFT,” for christ’s sake. Love like you’ve never been hurt and let these boys know that once Everton has touched you, nothing will be the same. UTFT.

1 reply »

  1. Great article Tom, pragmatic, but humorous to. Being a tad older than you, well more than a tad actually, I’ve long stopped being upset when one of your favourite players leave the club, although as a teenager I have to admit being clinically depressed when Bally left us, it was totally unexpected at the time.

    I too share your optimism with the recent contract extensions signed by DCL and Holgate, although I almost expect Richarlison (as I did with Lukaku) to depart for clubs who regularly compete in the CL, unless we too can qualify at some stage in the future..

    However, home grown, or players bought for very small fees give us a much better chance of longevity as far as contracts are concerned. The arrival of Carlo has not only brought an improvement in results on the field, but the status he commands in the global football world, means the current squad look a lot happier in their general demeanour.

    Now the ugly side, we have a level of fan toxicity at Goodison which is vile, I can’t really pussyfoot about on this topic. I have an idiot who sits behind me at Goodison, who gleefully waits for the ‘usual suspects’ ie Tom Davies, Gylfi Sigurdsson et al to make the first mis-placed pass, then he lets loose with all guns blazing.

    Still puzzled that these morons actually believe that the personal vitriol aimed at certain players will somehow by magic, improve their game somehow?

    On opposing players it’s just as bad, ‘snap him’, ‘break his leg’. This from a man in his 50’s…with kids sitting around him,unbelievable.

    Best of luck finding a local lyricist who specialises in double barrelled names, Burt Bacharach is still going……

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