In his own inimitable way, a rare but poignant guest piece from Talking the Blues’ George Costigan

I watched Tamworth v Tottenham and Untied v the Arse. Different, and so engaging for different reasons.

One of the connections between them is the culture of gaining any advantage. It is comic to watch, predictable and pretty badly acted.

The already booked Untied fullback, Dallio, lunges forward for the ball near the arsenal winger, who is
not touched but leaps, rolls, falls, screeching and now he proper proper rolls and second yellow – success.
The expert commentator, ‘It’s no excuse that Dallio played the ball.’ Meaning, I think, he created the situation the diving Arsenal player could exploit, did – and red bingo.

Haivertz (having a mare) is the next to take a chance to be felled and blow me, the ref agrees. Pen. It’s the Cup so no boring off to the van var and it is never a pen but it is now cos the ref said so. It’s exciting you got to say that. I’m sitting further forward than I was waiting for Totterham to start playing quick enough to win. Maguire gets as close as he judges he dares to the ref giving a second red in his fury. The show heats up, someone clutching their face is ‘thrown’ to the ground and all the while the clock ticks on. As it did in the stop-start first half when I timed two minutes and forty seconds from an Arse player being fouled to Odegard taking the free-kick.

On general average 90 secs for each corner. The covered-mouth ‘discussion’, then the ball in, on, outside the quadrant, some serious signalling, quick sock adjust – and “Oh look Ref” showing and pushing in the area, Ref.

That’s camp as well, and ritualised and Wastes Time.

Which is too large a point of the evolution of these games of footy. The added time at the end of the first half – five minutes – was a contemptuous insult to the collective intelligence. But – up to scoring the first goal, it is fine for both sides to waste time.

Then somebody scores – and if it was you – well, while the opposition try to speed up the game you can now start Phase Two clock-chomping. The ritual injury with medics and shared drinks. (By the way have nothing against hydration) .

Throw-ins become philosophic in their consideration. Whilst contemplatively edging upfield. Free-kicks – they take up three minutes, easy. Once you are in front the cheat-o-meter tilts toward reward-mode. Those seconds and minutes more precious now.

As entertainment none of this seems to matter. Goalie saves Odegard’s pen. Penalty shoot out and ten men
United prevail – the media’s fave scenario. Result, man. What’s your beef?

The game has evolved, is evolving and will continue to evolve without my say-so or permission. Which, on a couple of points, is a shame.

Children are watching this. It works, sometimes, as entertainment. There is ‘Drama’ and the media is ravenous to prove they have been fed. I accept the situation as it is but on a human behaviour level, man it’s tawdry.

Is this necessary?

Players have stopped throwing the ball away, stopped begging for cards. It is not complicated to legislate
for players to behave better.

If you pull a shirt – yellow. Twice ? Red. You’re cheating. Yes, the players would go in for arms-behind-
their backs all-in-wrestling, but a couple of high-profile defenders getting redded would leave a whole lot more space for goals to be scored – which is why we, the public, came out the house in the first place.
Within the time between the showing of two red Premier league cards and the media storm knackering
itself, the shirt-pulling would stop.

If you move ten yards from where the ball went out for that throw in, that’s a free-kick and possession to
the other side. Why NOT?

Simplest and fairest, stop the clock when the ball is not in play, so the paying customer gets his allotted
time, and any notion of gaining any advantage from any time-wasting becomes null, void and dim.

There is an argument that The Hand Of God Goal was good for the game – look at the interest it caused.
Fine. Pathetic, but fine. The argument continues, if you ‘clean up the game’ there will be less controversy.
Not good for business, that.

You can’t make footy nimby-pimby, it’s a tough physical game. The rewards alone guarantee nothing will
affect the straining to succeed. Conflict is guaranteed. At the most crucial level – global and national telly.
Everything below that is a giant trough, being constantly trawled for mini Messis.

Saudi Arabia will stage the next circus. It wouldn’t have got my vote but, again, no-one offered me one.
I can’t see the FIFA cash-machine stalling if the game is played in a fairer fashion. I can’t see what would
be lost. I can see positives.

‘You can’t act with her – she’s a thief.’ said a friend when I asked her opinion of another actress.

Cheating is thieving.